Authenticity

The book of Galatians is probably one of my favorite books in the bible because it talks about the freedom we have in Christ. God knows I struggle so much with wanting to earn His love by performing and “doing everything right”. Lately He has been breaking that in me. I feel so out of control. I do not feel like doing anything spiritual. I am losing my desire to go to church, I don’t want to go to prayer, and I am having a hard time really reading the bible. It all feels like I am doing it out of duty. I know I can’t make decisions based on how I feel but that’s where I am at. Oddly enough, I hear God saying its ok. I hear him saying that he is doing a deep work in me. I trust it because His love for me is so much more stubborn than mine. He pursues my heart so well. I love Jesus with all my heart, I really do. A friend of mine said I think he is building authenticity in you. I completely agree. If I am going to do things for the kingdom, I want to do all for God. I don’t want to do for man’s favor, or simply because I think doing it will bring me closer to God.

Do You Ever Wish...

Do you ever wish someone could simply look at you and just know exactly what you need to hear?

Do you ever wish someone would be able to understand your situation your enduring?

Not just sympathizing, but have the ability to enter whole heartily into the pain, the struggle, and the lies you battle?

Do you ever wish there was that one person you could trust with every ounce of your being and never fear what you just laid bare?

Do you ever wish it was an actual human being that was that trust worthy?

I am learning the hard lesson that Jesus us the only one who looks so deeply into my soul, that He reads all of me with just one glance of my eye. He is the only one who can enter into my pain.

I know this truth so why do I repeatedly think a person will do what only God can? All the more it makes me long to be with my Savior! I cannot wait to see Him face to face!

To experience Him wiping away all my tears of pain, hurt, and suffering.

To sit at His feet and have a conversation without expectation.

To experience pure genuine love:)

The Mountain

More Random thoughts...
For the pass couple of weeks I have felt a release of my burdens. I have felt like I am almost on the top of the huge mountain I have been climbing for almost two years. When I look back at what I have climbed, everything in me says, "How in the hell did I endure that?" It is almost like I relive the climb like it happened yesterday. I guess that is why God says do not ponder the past but look to the future. When I look back the questions start again. God what was the purpose? Why me? Will it be different once I am on the other side of this mountain?

Yesterday I ran into someone I have not seen in a long time. Have you noticed that someone can ask a question or say a comment that triggers all these emotions you didn't know you had? She was asking me about life and some questions that were specific. When I told her a brief version of how my life has been the pass 2 years she said. " Wow, it's never been easy for you has it?"

That question has been penetrating me ever since. I found myself almost over this mountain looking back saying, "How in the hell did I endure this and in some aspect still enduring this? It's going to be a fight today with my mind and emotions. I hate these days. The choice to walk by the spirit or my flesh. It feels so good to sulk and cry instead of speaking truth to my soul.

I wonder what God is saying or wanting my heart to hear? I wonder what dreams he has for me that is not even going to compare to these measly two years? I wonder how he would tell the story of my life? I wish I could hear His voice right now. I wish I knew the beginning until the end like Him.

I pray that I would not spend all my thoughts on myself today. I pray I would hear God's version of my story. I bet He tells it much better and with more hope than I do.

Random thoughts are good...

Be Transformed by the Renewing of your mind

So I am reading this book called "Hooked" New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children by Joe S. McIlhaney, J.R MD and Freda Mckissic Bush, MD.

Now I am not usually the one who can understand scientific literature, but this book is wrecking me. It's opening up my wounds from past relationships, it's helping me understand why relationships have not worked out for me and lastly I believe it is a gift from God because He has told me over and over to not ponder the past for behold He is doing something new!

The basic premise of the book describes how sexual experiences whether in the context of a healthy marriage or outside of marriage affect and mold the brain because the brain is the largest and most important sex organ. It describes the neurochemicals that are given off in a female and in a male to bond them together. For a female it's called oxytocin. For a male it is called vasopressin. We both give off Dopamine. I sound smart so far don't I? lol

Anyway, what has been wrecking my brain is this chemical called Oxytocin. Although Oxytocin is presented in both a male and a female, it is mostly represented in a female. What's crazy about oxytocin is that God created oxytocin to not only bond a woman to a man through sexual intercourse but also by just the simple act of touch. Not only that but also for the onset of labor and for breast feeding.

Here is the part that makes me cry every time I think about it. The book stated that because Oxytocin is values-neutral meaning it cannot distinguish between a one night stand and a long term relationship, "it can cause a woman to bond to a man even during what was expected to be a short- term relationship and it can lead a woman to be taken off guard by a desire to stay with a man she would other wise find undesirable and stay with him anyway, even if the relationship is abusive. 20 seconds of hugging a man can release Oxytocin and if he escalates the physical it becomes harder for her to say no!" Why didn't I know any of this before? Ahhhh

Now I am only giving you a glimpse of all that I have read. There's so much more. They explained how when you bond and break up with someone especially when sex was involved the brain scanners show that the part of the brain that is affected is the same part that is affected when you are physically wounded! Whoa

Of course all of this has gotten me thinking about my past and how I desire to have a healthy marriage someday. I want to get to the root of my issues that I walked through in my past so I can be not only a good wife and mother but friend too. There's so much more I want to write about concerning this book so I am sure I will be blogging about this more very soon.

One of things that encouraged me and I believe is very biblical is the fact that the authors stated that our brains are moldable from birth until death. Ahhh Hope!
My prayer is that God would transform my mind and help rearrange my old patterns for His new ones.

Some Random Thoughts

How many times do I have to come to the end of myself to realize I need Jesus so desperately? This is the question that has been churning in my mind the past couple of days. My church (Cornerstone Christian Fellowship) is going through this amazing transition. The presence of God is so real and tangible. We prayed and fasted one week and we have not stopped praying since. We pray every morning now! It's awesome! We are being changed corporately and it's so beautiful. I think it's because we are coming simply to seek his face.

Last night at prayer, about 30 people laid before the altar and just cried out to God. I seriously felt like I was on holy ground! His presence was rich and deep! We came with nothing in our hands. No agenda, no prayer request. We laid at the altar proclaiming His name.

Even though I could feel Him, my mind was in battle mode. All I wanted in that moment was to be all His. All I wanted was to forget my trial for just an hour so could fully enjoy Him. I heard Him say to me, "Beloved, what's on your heart?" I am learning that He likes to ask questions, even though He knows the answer. I told Him...

Here I am, with all my flaws, all my failures, my tears, my lies, my regrets, my short-comings and my same old issues. I feel like I have been here so many times! Save me! Save me like You did at the cross! That's how desperate I am! More and more I keep coming back to this place realizing I can do nothing on my own. I am confused and hopeless without You! I don't know how to get out of my old ways. I don't know when I hear You! I pray for wisdom. I am so foolish without You! I always let pain drive me to move. I do not like who and where I am. Help me choose You! How do I stand in what looks impossible? Just when I think things are coming to close, the scar gets ripped open...

I know... random thoughts. Some true, some lies. Random thoughts teach you allot about your heart. He didn't say anything to me after that. But this morning I went for a run. As I was running at 5:30 am. I love running early because no one is around. I heard God say, "Beloved I see you." Over and over again that's all I heard. He must of said like 10 times. Tears are streaming down my face because the more He says it, the more my heart begins to soften and I start to believe it. When no one else sees my pain or my struggle, or hears my countless prayers, or my choice to die to self or sees me battle, I think I am all alone. He was reminding me that even when my friends do not understand or they can't be by my side or when my enemies misrepresent me, that I do not need to be seen because He sees everything. I have never been so grateful for Psalm 139 that presents that where ever we go He is there. I need that! I love how intimate He is. I love having a relationship with Him. It's little moments like that that helps me run the race.

Thanks for enduring my randomness:)

Healer By Planet Shakers

You're my Healer

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

My Healer, You're my Healer

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

A Letter to My Abba

Dear Abba,

I think the most difficult decision I have ever made was to follow You. Don't get me wrong, I could not imagaine where I would be if you were not Lord over my life, but walking with You is no piece of cake. Your standard for me seems to get higher and higher the more I know You and fall in love with You. The theme of my life right now is that I can't live this life with out You. I am so desperate for You. Desperate to want You more than what I think I NEED! I am desperate for your truth to reign when my feelings are false and seem to be taking over my entire being.I am desperate for my circumstances to not shake me because I am so secure in who You are and who You say that I am.

Abba, why is love so difficult? The call to love says, I will lay my life down for you, I will risk giving you my heart again and again and again even though you might hurt me. The call to love says, I will give up the "right" to be understood. The call to love says, I will forgive you again and again and again and will not hold a record of wrongs. The call to love says, I will surrender and believe the best about you or the situation. So hard to do! I am so thankful that I am NOW a slave to righteousness. I can walk in love and live this "impossible" life out but it's a choice. I choose You today. I choose You over my feelings and emotions. I choose You over my circumstances, failures, and short comings. Thank You for loving me where I am. Thank You for loving me despite my struggles. You are my only hope!

My Sin!

Why is it that the closer I become to Jesus, the more I am aware of my sin? The past couple of days the sin of anger feels like it owns me. The same tongue that praises God and tells students of their worth, is spewing out profanity. The sad thing is, I don't regret it in the moment. Sometimes I think, if people really knew my thoughts they would think I am the meanest person in the world! My church (Cornerstone Christian Fellowship) is going through this amazing time with the Lord. Every time we meet together to pray the Spirit comes. It's just fun to be in church because we never know what He is going to do. There is so much Freedom in this place, I love it!!! At the same time there are those moments when I hear people crying out in desperation for His presence and I am thinking how much they are annoying me because I am having a crappy day. I hate how everything offends me. I am so easily offended! When will I not let my feeling dictate what's true? Right now I am in a place that if Jesus doesn't come and rescue me from myself, I am never going to change. I feel so helpless and powerless. Someone said to me today, " I have come to a place where I have to accept myself. With all my junk and all my failures, because He has." Of course I have a song that began to break through my hardened heart. May God's power rest on you who struggle in a different way. There is hope. He is powerful enough to save of from patterns that still try to take us captive.
Love you all!!!

In Desperate Need of His Grace,
Toni

My God Has Carried Me Like A Man Carries His Son

People have told me that I have a gift in being vulnerable and real. I am going to take a risk and be vulnerable once again trusting that God has pressed this on my heart to write about.
January of last year my ex and I were sensing that are season of being together was coming to a close I came to a prayer night by myself at a church that I did not know God would call my own. Two people came up to me separately and told me the same thing. They told me that 2007 would be about God showing me how much He loves me. He would show me how I would not have to perform for His love. At the time I didn't want to hear that. I wanted a man to show me that. So I hated every word that they said because I knew that meant that I truly could no longer hold on to my current relationship. As I let go the pain at times felt unbearable like God was killing me. The funny thing is, He was! They were both right. God has brought me through tremendous pain but I can't imagine where I would be if I didn't allow myself to sit in the pain. He has shown me how much He loves me but I am still in the process of learning that I do not have to perform for it. Everything that I put my identity in has been taken from me the pass year and God has still showed himself to be faithful through it all! When I look back at all I have endured, I stand amazed knowing it was my Savior who carried me like a Father carries his son.
I am so thankful for those who spoke life to me even when I thought it was death. Looking with new eyes, I see 2007 was a year of rebuilding. To rebuild, you often have to tear down. Someone once said they saw my life as a beautiful Mosaic. To me in the natural my life looked like a mess, but day by day, they more I trust God, the more I see the pain, mystery and tears becoming a beautiful picture that I could never design myself. " I feel Him picking up the pieces."



I obviously love how songs can relate to where I am at, soooo here is another song by Sara Groves called Less Like Scars


It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars (x3)

And more like
Character

Leaving Egypt and not looking back

Have you ever had those nights when your physically sleeping but your heart is awake? It's 4:30 am and I can't sleep. Sometimes I wish I could escape my mind. I often feel like I hear God better at night when I am half awake. I am in my home town in East Stroudsburg and I can't sleep. Being at home often burdens my heart. I can't always explain why but it does. I lay on the couch wondering why the tears won't stop flowing. I am in a good place but this heart of mine has been through allot. I have so many longings that I pray God fulfills. Why does longing hurt so much? I want to be married so badly. I want to have precious children that I can raise to know Jesus. I am looking forward to every moment of being pregnant. Even the not so fun parts. Just writing it makes me cry. It seems like everyone around me is in the place I desire to be in. I love my family so much, but I am burdened to do things different. Not perfect but different. I want to set a new foundation so that when I am gone it can be carried on. I often think, will I be ok if God doesn't answer those desires. Again, tears coming. I want to say yes! But if I am being honest, my heart breaks over and over and over. How many times do I say He's enough, but still hold on to desires that are not bad but can easily become a demand? Jesus help me! Anyway, I have been thinking about this song by Sara Groves, "Painting Pictures of Egypt". It talks about leaving what has kept you in bondage and running into the new even though it would be so much more comfortable to go back. I struggle with that. I know how to live in Egypt. It;s familiar. God keeps telling me theres nothing for me there and it's time to move on to new things! This song captures exactly where I am at. .
I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

BRIDGE:
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?



Toni

New Writings! On me! Literally!

I thought, since I am in Florida, why not get some tattoos!


My favorite verse! I am soaring on eagles wings!!!


This really hurt! I almost cried;)

The Waves Will Not Ovewhelm Me

As you know I am back from my amazing time in Florida! This vacation was more than I could have asked for. Everything was perfect. The car rental, the hotel, the beach, the weather, seeing my friends Monica and Danielle, my time with Sarah, and most of all my time with Jesus!I really believe He set that time apart to meet with me.

The second night we were there we went to the Lakeland Revival. I do not want to does disappoint anyone, but I am on this blog to be honest. I loved the worship! It was anointed and ushered me right into the throneroom. As for Todd Bentley, I did care to much for him. I am not saying he's not legit, but I did have to wrestle a bit with God on the authenticity of that portion of the night. I think it's good to wrestle so I am not following every wind of doctrine.

The beautiful part of my trip was that I felt God presence not in the big events, but in my time alone with Him. He poured out on me and I wept and wept and wept because He is so personal. He knows my heart so well and I am in awe of that. This invisible God knows me more than my friends in the flesh. It's beautiful!

Like I mentioned in my last post, one of my friends gave me a word about going into the ocean. So the third night we were there, Sarah and I went to Cocoa Beach. I waited until it was pitch black to walk into the ocean. I made my declaration that I am leaving my past behind me and I am not looking back. I didn't FEEL a change, but I know in the spiritual realm something happened. It's so crazy how in the picture below there are two of me! It's like that in all of them.




One of the things God told during my time alone with Him was that he had to wound me to heal me of my past. I am just so thankful He empowered me to sit in my pain. I am thankful I did not run to false comforts to temporarily ease the pain. He has made me new. He is restoring the years the locust have tried to eat. I am ready for the newness He has for me! What an amazing Father! Florida was such a gift. Thank you for all of your prayers!

Love,
Toni

Do Not Ponder the Past! Behold, I AM Doing A New Thing!!!

I am so excited to go to fly out to Florida tomorrow!!! My friend and I believe God has an amazing journey for us. My prayer is that I would not come back the same. I am excited to build an altar to the Lord and leave it there. Unlike Lot's wife, I am going to choose not to look back. God has told me over and over again that He is doing something NEW in me. I can't wait to expore the newness. FREEDOM!!!

A very good friend of mine had a picture of me in the ocean but the water was only up to my calf. There was a storm all around me but the voice of God was calling me to come deeper into the water. What I didn't notice was that everytime I went deeper into the water,although I was scared out of my mind, I was being transformed. My goal when I go the the beach in florida is to walk into the ocean until I am fully under. Let me tell you, I have a love hate relationship with the ocean. I love looking at it, and being in awe that God holds the ocean in the palm of His hand!I hate not knowing whats underneath me. I think it will be powerful and prophetic. I can't wait to see how he transforms me physically, mentally, and spritually:)



I am also going to check out the Revival in Lakeland. I do not know what to expect but I am excited to check out for myself!

The More I Seek You by Kari Jobe

This song explains exactly where my heart is!!!



The more I Seek You,
The more I Find You.

The more Find You,
The more Love You.

I wanna sit at You feet,
Drink from the cup in Your hand.
Lay back against You and breathe,
Feel Your heart beat.

This love is so deep,
It's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace,
It's overwheming!

It's the Simple Truth's that Set You Free!!!

God has given me a cool revelation that is striking my heart to the core. For some of you reading this, it might seem so simple, but when the simple things seep from your head to your heart, it rocks your soul! A friend of mine noticed that when I was having a hard time with God, I would say statements like, "God is going to make me, or God won't let me." What she helped me to see was that I have a choice and God doesn't make me do anything. I've had a choice all along to follow Him or not!

So much of my christian life I thought of His sovereignty as He chooses for me. It felt like He has the power over me and if I didn't choose it there would be consequences to pay. I felt like I was basically a robot, not really choosing for myself.I thought of God's power as controlling and it's not. I remember thinking at one point that I didn't want a choice. I want God to do everything for me. What kind of relationship is that? This truth is setting me free!

When I choose His was it's not because I am do great, it's because His empowered me to do so. No matter what I choose, whether it's for or against His will, His love never changes for me! That I don't get! This truth is making me fall more in love with Him. God is teaching me to have a right view of Him and I love it. He's killing these old patterns all the time. It's painful but so needed.

Thank you Lord for giving me a choice to choose you! I pray I would always walk in your ways!

The Unknown

The Unknown By: Me
A plan behind the suffering
Compassion in the midst of tears
Breathing in the midst of dying
His presence more tangible and real

His word like fire
Clinging to each word for dear life
Waking up to fight each day
Hanging on to His rope with all my might

Questions left unanswered
Healing a slow progress
He;s about the journey
Not the event in itself

This to will pass
I'll look back with joy
Knowing I would not be who I am
If this journey I had not endured.

Embracing Who God Made Me To Be!

I want to take you on a little journey of my life, to show you how the lies that were ingrained in me for so long, seeped into my life even as a believer, and persuaded me to fall back into my yoke of slavery, even though Jesus bought me freedom.

I am not pretty. I am not smart. No one is ever going to want to stay with me. Love equals sex. I hate my hair. I hate my arms. White is better than black. Rich is better than poor. I could go on and on.

I know some of you might me thinking, those are such lies. How could she believe those?
These lies did not just come from me. Some were planted by those who were supposed to love me. Some came from living in this sinful world and of course the obvious is from the Enemy.Why is it we can see the truth for others, easier than we can see it for ourselves? Standing in lies for so long becomes our reality. Behind most of these lies were fears. Fear of rejection and abandonment.

I am not sure when this mind set, that white is better than black all began. Maybe it was because I lived in a dominantly white town, and my step mother was white.
I do have this memory when I was about maybe 4 or 5 years old, of standing on a stool in the bathroom, and running my small hands though my nappy hair; acting like it was silky like my moms’. I remember her coming in and asking, “What are you doing?” Not in a nice way I might add. The sad thing is I had no idea I was doing anything wrong. I was just copying what I saw her do.

I remember going to the public pool and taking out all my braids and really believing my hair would lie perfectly on my back like all the little white girls. It was so beautiful to me. I wanted hair like that so bad. No matter how hard I tried to pretend, my hair just became a big puff ball on my head. It never laid perfectly on my back. I couldn’t just run my fingers through it. I always regretted taking out my braids anyway, because it hurt more when my sister had to comb through it to braid it again. Looking back now I didn’t even realize I wanted to be white.

I have been a believer for 6 ½ years and God is just awakened a desire for me to embrace my heritage. I am so glad I serve a God that loves us too much to keep us where we are at. The past couple of years have been really rough for me, but as I am coming over the mountain I know I am going to look back and say, Thank you Jesus, You are so good! Honestly, by wanting to be someone I am not, I was cursing my own race. Wanting to be white is such a slap in the face to my ancestor’s who paved the way for the amazing freedom I have. For years, blacks were degrade and looked at as having no worth or value and here I am in the 21st century trying to escape the freedom that was purchased for me at a mighty cost. Now as a believer when I am trying to be something other than what God created me to be, that’s a slap in his face. Or when I fall back into slavery when God’s word says my old man has been crucified with Christ, how much does it break his heart?

This year has been about allowing God to define who He created me to be before the foundations of this world. God basically asked me, “Do you want to get well?”
Not do you want to “feel” well. Do you want to get well?
Are you open to God changing your life? John 5:1-6
I think we are open to feeling well, perhaps not open to the process of getting well.
Why, because amputation is involved.

I just started looking in the mirror and blessing how God made me.

God, thank you for making me black. God, thank you for my brown eyes. God, thank you for my course hair. Not only blessing myself, but also blessing my heritage. Bless the black men in this culture. Don’t let them fall into their stereo types. God I accept that you made me black and it’s beauituful. I thank you that You gave me a white mother too. That was not a mistake, Nothing God made is mistake. I am exactly the right race. I have the correct hair. I have the right parents. All of it is good, when we look through God’s eyes and not our own standard, or the worlds.

I do not always believe what comes out of my mouth. I am learning that it’s a process. I am starting to wear my hair natural. It’s beautiful and I like it! It’s how God designed it. I do not want to be ashamed of who I am anymore. I want to embrace all of who God made me to be. I want to learn as much as I can about my ancestors who went before me because I want to make a difference like them.

Quotes I love from a book I read on Identity.(Can't remember the title right now)

"I do not find my true identity by seeking it; rather I find it by seeking God. It is by losing myself in God that I discover my true identity".

"Any identity that exist a part from God is an illusion".

"Your temperament, your personality, your abilities, and your interest and passions all say something about who you are called to be, not simply who you are".

"The spiritual life of one person should never be a carbon copy of that of another".

The word says you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free!


The question I want to leave with you is, are you ready to be well? Not feel well, but be well. It is worth it to embrace all who God created you to be. To see When you are not walking in it, the world is missing out on your essence!

He Loves Us

I love this song!!! He really does loves us just as we are:)

Beauty in Suffering

Some of you may already know how tough the pass couple of years have been for me. I am not on the other side if this journey but I know there will be joy in the morning! The pass couple of years, although they have been painful have defined who I am in Christ, and have exposed what I have believed about God. One of the major things I have learned is that there truly is a cost in following Him. I 've learned that God hates religion. He wants my heart. He wants true devotion from me, not duty. That has been a tough pattern for Him to break in me. I can't believe sometimes that He loves me just because! I cannot believe that even if I don't pray or have a quiet time the His love does not change. My best times with Him are the moments when I just sit in His presence and I wait for Him to speak to my soul. No agenda, no time limit. Just waiting on Him. I want to share honestly and openly about what I have learned about God and about myself in this journey of suffering. I am not sure where you are as you read this, but I hope it will encourages your heart.

Through the suffering and the unknown, I've learned that...

Your feelings are valid.

God doesn't always spare His children from pain.

There will be mornings when all you can ask of God, is to let you breathe.

There will be mornings when you think, how can I make it through another day, let alone another moment!?

And you do. By God's grace, you do.

There will be times when an e-mail from a friend will come at the most perfect time.

There will be times when a friend will call you in the midst of your desperation, like she could hear your heart breaking.

Everything in you knows that you can turn back and you can't stand still. The only way is to moved forward, holding on to the One who establishes every step.

Along the journey friends will betray you.

They will say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Sometimes they all they want to do is fix you.

Friends will let you down.

I've come to realize that they don't mean to, sometimes they speak out of their own brokenness.

Even your best of friends will not always be there in your darkest hour, it's usually because God wants to be.

God's love is so stubborn.

He will not let you go, even if you want to let Him go.

He'll cry with you and comfort you in ways you would have never expected.

And sometimes you'll even find yourself smiling in the midst of the pain.

There will be days that you'll receive glimpse of hope that reveal that somehow, someway, this will all makes sense.

Some days all you'll want to do is cry and even hate God!

Some day's you'll feel like you are suffocating, but it's usually because you are looking at the storm and not at Jesus.

Some days you'll burst out in tears at the most random moments.

There will be times that you'll minister to someone else's brokenness in the midst of your own.

At times you'll think, is this worth? God, please tell me this is worth it!?

I've learned in my brokenness that God does not always answer your questions.

You'll see others living out the dream you "think" you desire.

He'll call you to trust in the unseen, to believe that He's trust-worthy even though your trial says He's not.

The best lesson I have learned through my suffering, is when everything falls away, He truly is ENOUGH!!!