Have you ever had those nights when your physically sleeping but your heart is awake? It's 4:30 am and I can't sleep. Sometimes I wish I could escape my mind. I often feel like I hear God better at night when I am half awake. I am in my home town in East Stroudsburg and I can't sleep. Being at home often burdens my heart. I can't always explain why but it does. I lay on the couch wondering why the tears won't stop flowing. I am in a good place but this heart of mine has been through allot. I have so many longings that I pray God fulfills. Why does longing hurt so much? I want to be married so badly. I want to have precious children that I can raise to know Jesus. I am looking forward to every moment of being pregnant. Even the not so fun parts. Just writing it makes me cry. It seems like everyone around me is in the place I desire to be in. I love my family so much, but I am burdened to do things different. Not perfect but different. I want to set a new foundation so that when I am gone it can be carried on. I often think, will I be ok if God doesn't answer those desires. Again, tears coming. I want to say yes! But if I am being honest, my heart breaks over and over and over. How many times do I say He's enough, but still hold on to desires that are not bad but can easily become a demand? Jesus help me! Anyway, I have been thinking about this song by Sara Groves, "Painting Pictures of Egypt". It talks about leaving what has kept you in bondage and running into the new even though it would be so much more comfortable to go back. I struggle with that. I know how to live in Egypt. It;s familiar. God keeps telling me theres nothing for me there and it's time to move on to new things! This song captures exactly where I am at. .
I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend
It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this
CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned
The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know
BRIDGE:
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
Toni
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
New Writings! On me! Literally!
I thought, since I am in Florida, why not get some tattoos!
My favorite verse! I am soaring on eagles wings!!!
This really hurt! I almost cried;)
My favorite verse! I am soaring on eagles wings!!!
This really hurt! I almost cried;)
The Waves Will Not Ovewhelm Me
As you know I am back from my amazing time in Florida! This vacation was more than I could have asked for. Everything was perfect. The car rental, the hotel, the beach, the weather, seeing my friends Monica and Danielle, my time with Sarah, and most of all my time with Jesus!I really believe He set that time apart to meet with me.
The second night we were there we went to the Lakeland Revival. I do not want to does disappoint anyone, but I am on this blog to be honest. I loved the worship! It was anointed and ushered me right into the throneroom. As for Todd Bentley, I did care to much for him. I am not saying he's not legit, but I did have to wrestle a bit with God on the authenticity of that portion of the night. I think it's good to wrestle so I am not following every wind of doctrine.
The beautiful part of my trip was that I felt God presence not in the big events, but in my time alone with Him. He poured out on me and I wept and wept and wept because He is so personal. He knows my heart so well and I am in awe of that. This invisible God knows me more than my friends in the flesh. It's beautiful!
Like I mentioned in my last post, one of my friends gave me a word about going into the ocean. So the third night we were there, Sarah and I went to Cocoa Beach. I waited until it was pitch black to walk into the ocean. I made my declaration that I am leaving my past behind me and I am not looking back. I didn't FEEL a change, but I know in the spiritual realm something happened. It's so crazy how in the picture below there are two of me! It's like that in all of them.
One of the things God told during my time alone with Him was that he had to wound me to heal me of my past. I am just so thankful He empowered me to sit in my pain. I am thankful I did not run to false comforts to temporarily ease the pain. He has made me new. He is restoring the years the locust have tried to eat. I am ready for the newness He has for me! What an amazing Father! Florida was such a gift. Thank you for all of your prayers!
Love,
Toni
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Do Not Ponder the Past! Behold, I AM Doing A New Thing!!!
I am so excited to go to fly out to Florida tomorrow!!! My friend and I believe God has an amazing journey for us. My prayer is that I would not come back the same. I am excited to build an altar to the Lord and leave it there. Unlike Lot's wife, I am going to choose not to look back. God has told me over and over again that He is doing something NEW in me. I can't wait to expore the newness. FREEDOM!!!
A very good friend of mine had a picture of me in the ocean but the water was only up to my calf. There was a storm all around me but the voice of God was calling me to come deeper into the water. What I didn't notice was that everytime I went deeper into the water,although I was scared out of my mind, I was being transformed. My goal when I go the the beach in florida is to walk into the ocean until I am fully under. Let me tell you, I have a love hate relationship with the ocean. I love looking at it, and being in awe that God holds the ocean in the palm of His hand!I hate not knowing whats underneath me. I think it will be powerful and prophetic. I can't wait to see how he transforms me physically, mentally, and spritually:)
I am also going to check out the Revival in Lakeland. I do not know what to expect but I am excited to check out for myself!
A very good friend of mine had a picture of me in the ocean but the water was only up to my calf. There was a storm all around me but the voice of God was calling me to come deeper into the water. What I didn't notice was that everytime I went deeper into the water,although I was scared out of my mind, I was being transformed. My goal when I go the the beach in florida is to walk into the ocean until I am fully under. Let me tell you, I have a love hate relationship with the ocean. I love looking at it, and being in awe that God holds the ocean in the palm of His hand!I hate not knowing whats underneath me. I think it will be powerful and prophetic. I can't wait to see how he transforms me physically, mentally, and spritually:)
I am also going to check out the Revival in Lakeland. I do not know what to expect but I am excited to check out for myself!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The More I Seek You by Kari Jobe
This song explains exactly where my heart is!!!
The more I Seek You,
The more I Find You.
The more Find You,
The more Love You.
I wanna sit at You feet,
Drink from the cup in Your hand.
Lay back against You and breathe,
Feel Your heart beat.
This love is so deep,
It's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace,
It's overwheming!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
It's the Simple Truth's that Set You Free!!!
God has given me a cool revelation that is striking my heart to the core. For some of you reading this, it might seem so simple, but when the simple things seep from your head to your heart, it rocks your soul! A friend of mine noticed that when I was having a hard time with God, I would say statements like, "God is going to make me, or God won't let me." What she helped me to see was that I have a choice and God doesn't make me do anything. I've had a choice all along to follow Him or not!
So much of my christian life I thought of His sovereignty as He chooses for me. It felt like He has the power over me and if I didn't choose it there would be consequences to pay. I felt like I was basically a robot, not really choosing for myself.I thought of God's power as controlling and it's not. I remember thinking at one point that I didn't want a choice. I want God to do everything for me. What kind of relationship is that? This truth is setting me free!
When I choose His was it's not because I am do great, it's because His empowered me to do so. No matter what I choose, whether it's for or against His will, His love never changes for me! That I don't get! This truth is making me fall more in love with Him. God is teaching me to have a right view of Him and I love it. He's killing these old patterns all the time. It's painful but so needed.
Thank you Lord for giving me a choice to choose you! I pray I would always walk in your ways!
The Unknown
The Unknown By: Me
A plan behind the suffering
Compassion in the midst of tears
Breathing in the midst of dying
His presence more tangible and real
His word like fire
Clinging to each word for dear life
Waking up to fight each day
Hanging on to His rope with all my might
Questions left unanswered
Healing a slow progress
He;s about the journey
Not the event in itself
This to will pass
I'll look back with joy
Knowing I would not be who I am
If this journey I had not endured.
A plan behind the suffering
Compassion in the midst of tears
Breathing in the midst of dying
His presence more tangible and real
His word like fire
Clinging to each word for dear life
Waking up to fight each day
Hanging on to His rope with all my might
Questions left unanswered
Healing a slow progress
He;s about the journey
Not the event in itself
This to will pass
I'll look back with joy
Knowing I would not be who I am
If this journey I had not endured.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Embracing Who God Made Me To Be!
I want to take you on a little journey of my life, to show you how the lies that were ingrained in me for so long, seeped into my life even as a believer, and persuaded me to fall back into my yoke of slavery, even though Jesus bought me freedom.
I am not pretty. I am not smart. No one is ever going to want to stay with me. Love equals sex. I hate my hair. I hate my arms. White is better than black. Rich is better than poor. I could go on and on.
I know some of you might me thinking, those are such lies. How could she believe those?
These lies did not just come from me. Some were planted by those who were supposed to love me. Some came from living in this sinful world and of course the obvious is from the Enemy.Why is it we can see the truth for others, easier than we can see it for ourselves? Standing in lies for so long becomes our reality. Behind most of these lies were fears. Fear of rejection and abandonment.
I am not sure when this mind set, that white is better than black all began. Maybe it was because I lived in a dominantly white town, and my step mother was white.
I do have this memory when I was about maybe 4 or 5 years old, of standing on a stool in the bathroom, and running my small hands though my nappy hair; acting like it was silky like my moms’. I remember her coming in and asking, “What are you doing?” Not in a nice way I might add. The sad thing is I had no idea I was doing anything wrong. I was just copying what I saw her do.
I remember going to the public pool and taking out all my braids and really believing my hair would lie perfectly on my back like all the little white girls. It was so beautiful to me. I wanted hair like that so bad. No matter how hard I tried to pretend, my hair just became a big puff ball on my head. It never laid perfectly on my back. I couldn’t just run my fingers through it. I always regretted taking out my braids anyway, because it hurt more when my sister had to comb through it to braid it again. Looking back now I didn’t even realize I wanted to be white.
I have been a believer for 6 ½ years and God is just awakened a desire for me to embrace my heritage. I am so glad I serve a God that loves us too much to keep us where we are at. The past couple of years have been really rough for me, but as I am coming over the mountain I know I am going to look back and say, Thank you Jesus, You are so good! Honestly, by wanting to be someone I am not, I was cursing my own race. Wanting to be white is such a slap in the face to my ancestor’s who paved the way for the amazing freedom I have. For years, blacks were degrade and looked at as having no worth or value and here I am in the 21st century trying to escape the freedom that was purchased for me at a mighty cost. Now as a believer when I am trying to be something other than what God created me to be, that’s a slap in his face. Or when I fall back into slavery when God’s word says my old man has been crucified with Christ, how much does it break his heart?
This year has been about allowing God to define who He created me to be before the foundations of this world. God basically asked me, “Do you want to get well?”
Not do you want to “feel” well. Do you want to get well?
Are you open to God changing your life? John 5:1-6
I think we are open to feeling well, perhaps not open to the process of getting well.
Why, because amputation is involved.
I just started looking in the mirror and blessing how God made me.
God, thank you for making me black. God, thank you for my brown eyes. God, thank you for my course hair. Not only blessing myself, but also blessing my heritage. Bless the black men in this culture. Don’t let them fall into their stereo types. God I accept that you made me black and it’s beauituful. I thank you that You gave me a white mother too. That was not a mistake, Nothing God made is mistake. I am exactly the right race. I have the correct hair. I have the right parents. All of it is good, when we look through God’s eyes and not our own standard, or the worlds.
I do not always believe what comes out of my mouth. I am learning that it’s a process. I am starting to wear my hair natural. It’s beautiful and I like it! It’s how God designed it. I do not want to be ashamed of who I am anymore. I want to embrace all of who God made me to be. I want to learn as much as I can about my ancestors who went before me because I want to make a difference like them.
Quotes I love from a book I read on Identity.(Can't remember the title right now)
"I do not find my true identity by seeking it; rather I find it by seeking God. It is by losing myself in God that I discover my true identity".
"Any identity that exist a part from God is an illusion".
"Your temperament, your personality, your abilities, and your interest and passions all say something about who you are called to be, not simply who you are".
"The spiritual life of one person should never be a carbon copy of that of another".
The word says you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free!
The question I want to leave with you is, are you ready to be well? Not feel well, but be well. It is worth it to embrace all who God created you to be. To see When you are not walking in it, the world is missing out on your essence!
I am not pretty. I am not smart. No one is ever going to want to stay with me. Love equals sex. I hate my hair. I hate my arms. White is better than black. Rich is better than poor. I could go on and on.
I know some of you might me thinking, those are such lies. How could she believe those?
These lies did not just come from me. Some were planted by those who were supposed to love me. Some came from living in this sinful world and of course the obvious is from the Enemy.Why is it we can see the truth for others, easier than we can see it for ourselves? Standing in lies for so long becomes our reality. Behind most of these lies were fears. Fear of rejection and abandonment.
I am not sure when this mind set, that white is better than black all began. Maybe it was because I lived in a dominantly white town, and my step mother was white.
I do have this memory when I was about maybe 4 or 5 years old, of standing on a stool in the bathroom, and running my small hands though my nappy hair; acting like it was silky like my moms’. I remember her coming in and asking, “What are you doing?” Not in a nice way I might add. The sad thing is I had no idea I was doing anything wrong. I was just copying what I saw her do.
I remember going to the public pool and taking out all my braids and really believing my hair would lie perfectly on my back like all the little white girls. It was so beautiful to me. I wanted hair like that so bad. No matter how hard I tried to pretend, my hair just became a big puff ball on my head. It never laid perfectly on my back. I couldn’t just run my fingers through it. I always regretted taking out my braids anyway, because it hurt more when my sister had to comb through it to braid it again. Looking back now I didn’t even realize I wanted to be white.
I have been a believer for 6 ½ years and God is just awakened a desire for me to embrace my heritage. I am so glad I serve a God that loves us too much to keep us where we are at. The past couple of years have been really rough for me, but as I am coming over the mountain I know I am going to look back and say, Thank you Jesus, You are so good! Honestly, by wanting to be someone I am not, I was cursing my own race. Wanting to be white is such a slap in the face to my ancestor’s who paved the way for the amazing freedom I have. For years, blacks were degrade and looked at as having no worth or value and here I am in the 21st century trying to escape the freedom that was purchased for me at a mighty cost. Now as a believer when I am trying to be something other than what God created me to be, that’s a slap in his face. Or when I fall back into slavery when God’s word says my old man has been crucified with Christ, how much does it break his heart?
This year has been about allowing God to define who He created me to be before the foundations of this world. God basically asked me, “Do you want to get well?”
Not do you want to “feel” well. Do you want to get well?
Are you open to God changing your life? John 5:1-6
I think we are open to feeling well, perhaps not open to the process of getting well.
Why, because amputation is involved.
I just started looking in the mirror and blessing how God made me.
God, thank you for making me black. God, thank you for my brown eyes. God, thank you for my course hair. Not only blessing myself, but also blessing my heritage. Bless the black men in this culture. Don’t let them fall into their stereo types. God I accept that you made me black and it’s beauituful. I thank you that You gave me a white mother too. That was not a mistake, Nothing God made is mistake. I am exactly the right race. I have the correct hair. I have the right parents. All of it is good, when we look through God’s eyes and not our own standard, or the worlds.
I do not always believe what comes out of my mouth. I am learning that it’s a process. I am starting to wear my hair natural. It’s beautiful and I like it! It’s how God designed it. I do not want to be ashamed of who I am anymore. I want to embrace all of who God made me to be. I want to learn as much as I can about my ancestors who went before me because I want to make a difference like them.
Quotes I love from a book I read on Identity.(Can't remember the title right now)
"I do not find my true identity by seeking it; rather I find it by seeking God. It is by losing myself in God that I discover my true identity".
"Any identity that exist a part from God is an illusion".
"Your temperament, your personality, your abilities, and your interest and passions all say something about who you are called to be, not simply who you are".
"The spiritual life of one person should never be a carbon copy of that of another".
The word says you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free!
The question I want to leave with you is, are you ready to be well? Not feel well, but be well. It is worth it to embrace all who God created you to be. To see When you are not walking in it, the world is missing out on your essence!
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