The Mountain

More Random thoughts...
For the pass couple of weeks I have felt a release of my burdens. I have felt like I am almost on the top of the huge mountain I have been climbing for almost two years. When I look back at what I have climbed, everything in me says, "How in the hell did I endure that?" It is almost like I relive the climb like it happened yesterday. I guess that is why God says do not ponder the past but look to the future. When I look back the questions start again. God what was the purpose? Why me? Will it be different once I am on the other side of this mountain?

Yesterday I ran into someone I have not seen in a long time. Have you noticed that someone can ask a question or say a comment that triggers all these emotions you didn't know you had? She was asking me about life and some questions that were specific. When I told her a brief version of how my life has been the pass 2 years she said. " Wow, it's never been easy for you has it?"

That question has been penetrating me ever since. I found myself almost over this mountain looking back saying, "How in the hell did I endure this and in some aspect still enduring this? It's going to be a fight today with my mind and emotions. I hate these days. The choice to walk by the spirit or my flesh. It feels so good to sulk and cry instead of speaking truth to my soul.

I wonder what God is saying or wanting my heart to hear? I wonder what dreams he has for me that is not even going to compare to these measly two years? I wonder how he would tell the story of my life? I wish I could hear His voice right now. I wish I knew the beginning until the end like Him.

I pray that I would not spend all my thoughts on myself today. I pray I would hear God's version of my story. I bet He tells it much better and with more hope than I do.

Random thoughts are good...

Be Transformed by the Renewing of your mind

So I am reading this book called "Hooked" New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children by Joe S. McIlhaney, J.R MD and Freda Mckissic Bush, MD.

Now I am not usually the one who can understand scientific literature, but this book is wrecking me. It's opening up my wounds from past relationships, it's helping me understand why relationships have not worked out for me and lastly I believe it is a gift from God because He has told me over and over to not ponder the past for behold He is doing something new!

The basic premise of the book describes how sexual experiences whether in the context of a healthy marriage or outside of marriage affect and mold the brain because the brain is the largest and most important sex organ. It describes the neurochemicals that are given off in a female and in a male to bond them together. For a female it's called oxytocin. For a male it is called vasopressin. We both give off Dopamine. I sound smart so far don't I? lol

Anyway, what has been wrecking my brain is this chemical called Oxytocin. Although Oxytocin is presented in both a male and a female, it is mostly represented in a female. What's crazy about oxytocin is that God created oxytocin to not only bond a woman to a man through sexual intercourse but also by just the simple act of touch. Not only that but also for the onset of labor and for breast feeding.

Here is the part that makes me cry every time I think about it. The book stated that because Oxytocin is values-neutral meaning it cannot distinguish between a one night stand and a long term relationship, "it can cause a woman to bond to a man even during what was expected to be a short- term relationship and it can lead a woman to be taken off guard by a desire to stay with a man she would other wise find undesirable and stay with him anyway, even if the relationship is abusive. 20 seconds of hugging a man can release Oxytocin and if he escalates the physical it becomes harder for her to say no!" Why didn't I know any of this before? Ahhhh

Now I am only giving you a glimpse of all that I have read. There's so much more. They explained how when you bond and break up with someone especially when sex was involved the brain scanners show that the part of the brain that is affected is the same part that is affected when you are physically wounded! Whoa

Of course all of this has gotten me thinking about my past and how I desire to have a healthy marriage someday. I want to get to the root of my issues that I walked through in my past so I can be not only a good wife and mother but friend too. There's so much more I want to write about concerning this book so I am sure I will be blogging about this more very soon.

One of things that encouraged me and I believe is very biblical is the fact that the authors stated that our brains are moldable from birth until death. Ahhh Hope!
My prayer is that God would transform my mind and help rearrange my old patterns for His new ones.