Some Random Thoughts

How many times do I have to come to the end of myself to realize I need Jesus so desperately? This is the question that has been churning in my mind the past couple of days. My church (Cornerstone Christian Fellowship) is going through this amazing transition. The presence of God is so real and tangible. We prayed and fasted one week and we have not stopped praying since. We pray every morning now! It's awesome! We are being changed corporately and it's so beautiful. I think it's because we are coming simply to seek his face.

Last night at prayer, about 30 people laid before the altar and just cried out to God. I seriously felt like I was on holy ground! His presence was rich and deep! We came with nothing in our hands. No agenda, no prayer request. We laid at the altar proclaiming His name.

Even though I could feel Him, my mind was in battle mode. All I wanted in that moment was to be all His. All I wanted was to forget my trial for just an hour so could fully enjoy Him. I heard Him say to me, "Beloved, what's on your heart?" I am learning that He likes to ask questions, even though He knows the answer. I told Him...

Here I am, with all my flaws, all my failures, my tears, my lies, my regrets, my short-comings and my same old issues. I feel like I have been here so many times! Save me! Save me like You did at the cross! That's how desperate I am! More and more I keep coming back to this place realizing I can do nothing on my own. I am confused and hopeless without You! I don't know how to get out of my old ways. I don't know when I hear You! I pray for wisdom. I am so foolish without You! I always let pain drive me to move. I do not like who and where I am. Help me choose You! How do I stand in what looks impossible? Just when I think things are coming to close, the scar gets ripped open...

I know... random thoughts. Some true, some lies. Random thoughts teach you allot about your heart. He didn't say anything to me after that. But this morning I went for a run. As I was running at 5:30 am. I love running early because no one is around. I heard God say, "Beloved I see you." Over and over again that's all I heard. He must of said like 10 times. Tears are streaming down my face because the more He says it, the more my heart begins to soften and I start to believe it. When no one else sees my pain or my struggle, or hears my countless prayers, or my choice to die to self or sees me battle, I think I am all alone. He was reminding me that even when my friends do not understand or they can't be by my side or when my enemies misrepresent me, that I do not need to be seen because He sees everything. I have never been so grateful for Psalm 139 that presents that where ever we go He is there. I need that! I love how intimate He is. I love having a relationship with Him. It's little moments like that that helps me run the race.

Thanks for enduring my randomness:)

Healer By Planet Shakers

You're my Healer

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

My Healer, You're my Healer

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

A Letter to My Abba

Dear Abba,

I think the most difficult decision I have ever made was to follow You. Don't get me wrong, I could not imagaine where I would be if you were not Lord over my life, but walking with You is no piece of cake. Your standard for me seems to get higher and higher the more I know You and fall in love with You. The theme of my life right now is that I can't live this life with out You. I am so desperate for You. Desperate to want You more than what I think I NEED! I am desperate for your truth to reign when my feelings are false and seem to be taking over my entire being.I am desperate for my circumstances to not shake me because I am so secure in who You are and who You say that I am.

Abba, why is love so difficult? The call to love says, I will lay my life down for you, I will risk giving you my heart again and again and again even though you might hurt me. The call to love says, I will give up the "right" to be understood. The call to love says, I will forgive you again and again and again and will not hold a record of wrongs. The call to love says, I will surrender and believe the best about you or the situation. So hard to do! I am so thankful that I am NOW a slave to righteousness. I can walk in love and live this "impossible" life out but it's a choice. I choose You today. I choose You over my feelings and emotions. I choose You over my circumstances, failures, and short comings. Thank You for loving me where I am. Thank You for loving me despite my struggles. You are my only hope!

My Sin!

Why is it that the closer I become to Jesus, the more I am aware of my sin? The past couple of days the sin of anger feels like it owns me. The same tongue that praises God and tells students of their worth, is spewing out profanity. The sad thing is, I don't regret it in the moment. Sometimes I think, if people really knew my thoughts they would think I am the meanest person in the world! My church (Cornerstone Christian Fellowship) is going through this amazing time with the Lord. Every time we meet together to pray the Spirit comes. It's just fun to be in church because we never know what He is going to do. There is so much Freedom in this place, I love it!!! At the same time there are those moments when I hear people crying out in desperation for His presence and I am thinking how much they are annoying me because I am having a crappy day. I hate how everything offends me. I am so easily offended! When will I not let my feeling dictate what's true? Right now I am in a place that if Jesus doesn't come and rescue me from myself, I am never going to change. I feel so helpless and powerless. Someone said to me today, " I have come to a place where I have to accept myself. With all my junk and all my failures, because He has." Of course I have a song that began to break through my hardened heart. May God's power rest on you who struggle in a different way. There is hope. He is powerful enough to save of from patterns that still try to take us captive.
Love you all!!!

In Desperate Need of His Grace,
Toni

My God Has Carried Me Like A Man Carries His Son

People have told me that I have a gift in being vulnerable and real. I am going to take a risk and be vulnerable once again trusting that God has pressed this on my heart to write about.
January of last year my ex and I were sensing that are season of being together was coming to a close I came to a prayer night by myself at a church that I did not know God would call my own. Two people came up to me separately and told me the same thing. They told me that 2007 would be about God showing me how much He loves me. He would show me how I would not have to perform for His love. At the time I didn't want to hear that. I wanted a man to show me that. So I hated every word that they said because I knew that meant that I truly could no longer hold on to my current relationship. As I let go the pain at times felt unbearable like God was killing me. The funny thing is, He was! They were both right. God has brought me through tremendous pain but I can't imagine where I would be if I didn't allow myself to sit in the pain. He has shown me how much He loves me but I am still in the process of learning that I do not have to perform for it. Everything that I put my identity in has been taken from me the pass year and God has still showed himself to be faithful through it all! When I look back at all I have endured, I stand amazed knowing it was my Savior who carried me like a Father carries his son.
I am so thankful for those who spoke life to me even when I thought it was death. Looking with new eyes, I see 2007 was a year of rebuilding. To rebuild, you often have to tear down. Someone once said they saw my life as a beautiful Mosaic. To me in the natural my life looked like a mess, but day by day, they more I trust God, the more I see the pain, mystery and tears becoming a beautiful picture that I could never design myself. " I feel Him picking up the pieces."



I obviously love how songs can relate to where I am at, soooo here is another song by Sara Groves called Less Like Scars


It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars (x3)

And more like
Character