Isaac Kristopher McFadden, born Wednesday May 26Th at 12:45 am. The birth of my sweet little boy did not play out like I planned in my head. A c-section never entered my mind but after being in labor for 18 long hours I no longer cared about my agenda.
When I really had the chance to look into the his eyes for the first time I was brought to amazement that God would be so kind to Kris and I. I know everyone says it but I can't believe how much I love this person that I do not even truly know yet. I am constantly checking his bassinet to make sure he's breathing. I am constantly praying, ' God please protect him and keep him safe'. Ultimately I know his life is in God's hands even though I am going to do my best to protect him.
Having a child brings a new meaning to responsibility.I am aware of how I need God's grace every hour and every moment of the day. I wrote in another blog post a couple of years ago that I wanted to set a new foundation after me. God answered my prayer. I pray Isaac will carry on a new foundation for our family. One that is founded on the mercy and grace of Christ Jesus our Lord! Without him we have no foundation at all.
Thank Father God for giving my husband and this precious gift. I love Isaac so much! I pray for the grace to teach him your ways and show him your love. I pray his heart is captured by you at the earliest age possible.
In Jesus' name, Amen!!!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I never thought my life would change so much in less than a year. Not only did I get married but my husband and I are awaiting our little boy Isaac Kristopher McFadden to enter into the world in just a week! Again the redemption continues.
People who I do not know often ask me, "Is this your first?" My mouth says yes, but my heart immediately Say's no. I cannot help but think about the little one my husband and I aborted when I was in high school. It's not a guilt thing but a reminder of the grace of God on our lives. We do not deserve this gift but God is so gracious and so loving entrust us with another child.
When I went through post abortion counseling I named our aborted baby Tyler because God had given me a dream that he was a boy. How kind of God to give us another boy. What a forgiving God I serve. I can't wait until the day that I will meet Tyler.
I am also so anxious to meet Isaac. I am trying to use this time to sit and be with Jesus before my life is completely consumed by this precious little gift. I know God will have him arrive at the perfect time.
I am looking forward to hearing his first cry as he leaves my womb and comes into this world. I can't wait to touch him for the first time and hold him in my arms. I can't wait to watch my husband hold him and study his every feature. It will overwhelm me I am sure.
The pain will be worth it!!! There always comes joy out of pain:-)
After meeting a Buca Kris and I had many more conversations. I realized very quickly that Kris was wanting more than a friendship. I did not want to jump into anything or assume this was what God wanted. Why is it when I want to take things slow, God seems to speed up the process?
I remember one night talking to Kris on the phone and he told me, "The longer you know me, the more you will trust me." I would not admit it at the time but his character and consistency amazed me! At times I would have to admit that I was mean and stand offish to him. I was testing him. I secretly loved that it did not faze him one bit. He trusted completely in God not matter how much I freaked out!
Long story short Kris eventually won my heart! He asked me to be his girlfriend in November of 2008 and in only two short months on New Years at the stroke of midnight he asked me to be his wife!
We got married June 27th, 2009! I loved every part of the wedding. One of my favorite parts was walking down the aisle to Sara Groves, "He's Always Been Faithful To Me." When I look at my life every part of that song is true and continues to be true.
I cannot tell you how amazing it has been to share our story in the classroom with Amnion. It absolutely blows people away! I know God has so many plans for us and I can't wait to walk through it all! What a redeeming God we serve! I am reminded of it everyday that I get to come home to a man who loves me so well!
I could not have written a better story myself:) God is so fun! Posted by isa4031 at 11:25 PM
I can remember the night like it was yesterday. God had given me peace to meet up with Kris after not seeing each other in almost ten years! So many different thoughts and emotions were going through me. I could not believe after all these years God was bring this man back into my life. At this point I have no idea why but God definitely had my attention.
We decided to meet at Buca Di Bepo for dinner. When I first saw him I was thinking in my head, "nope, not attracted to him." I could not believe I was sitting across from this guy who had long ago broken my heart into a million pieces and now is wanting in someway mend it, although Jesus already had.
In his new quiet yet strong demeanor he began to apologize for the way he treated me in high school. He confessed that our past decision to abort our child ran through is mind more and I would think. He regretted just as I had. I sat there amazed at God and how he could change such undeserving people. My life really did feel like a movie. Never in a million years would I have ever thought Kris McFadden would apologize to me let along be a Christian. His Gospel is real and powerful! I sat there witnessing it. At this point I felt numb and unable to take in all that he was saying but I knew it was hard for him to share his heart.
Little did I know this one conversation would lead to many more redeeming moments in both of our lives:-)
I will never forget the night, September 12th 2008, I was checking my email and flashing before my eyes was a name and a face that I had not seen in almost 10 years. Although I had talked about this person everyday in the classroom, I could not believe he was trying to contact me. Kristopher John McFadden. My mouth dropped to the floor when I saw that he had requested me as a friend on facebook. Should I accept him? Why does he want to be my friend? Why? Those were the some of the many questions going through my mind. If you know me, you know I can be a little dramatic at times.
My curiosity pushed me into accepting him. As I studied his site I found out that he had become a Christian like I had! I almost fell out of my bed!!! How can this be? God, are you serious? The next day I received and email from him stating how he had become a Christian through a program called Teen Challenge. God had put on his heart to contact me. He mentioned how he had been looking for me for about year because there were somethings he needed to say to me. I knew in God's sovereignty that he was right on time in finding me.
Here begins a journey of joy that I would have never expected...
I have been wanting to blog for some time now but have now been able to put into words all that God has done for in the last 3 or months. I honestly do not even know where to start. Tears start to well up in my eyes even in this very moment. The story God has written for my life brings me to my knees. I have had tremendous joy, laughter and pain. I look back at all God has brought me through and I stand amazed because He is so faithful. He’s so loving and patient.
If you know me, I often mention how difficult the season of my life was from 2007 to into 2008. It was hell! During this dark season I learned how to trust God regardless of my feelings. I learned how to be rejected by others but at the same time I stood on the fact that the God of the universe would not. I learned how to speak to truth to my inner man when the storm life did not make sense. I knew God was not going to spare me from my storm. He wanted me to endure with Him. He walked with me in every step of the way. Although he gave me the choice to numb the pain in other ways, by His spirit I choose to endure the pain, believing I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Two main verses come to mind that the Lord had given me. John 12:24, “Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” And Isaiah 43:18-19, “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing.” These verses were life lines to me. They were bread to my soul.
On October 29th, 2007 God told me to do a prophetic act. He told me to go buy a flower pot and buy some wheat grass seeds and I did. At the time I had been reading Genesis. I came to the very familiar story of the sacrifice of Isaac. The verse that God had me meditate on was Gen 22:14 which says, “the Lord will provide.” Before I planted those wheat grass seeds into the soil I named all the things I was dying to , my “lost dreams”, the loss of my innocence, my abortion, my break ups, and my family issues. I found that I could not make these seeds grow. I could only be faithful to water them. It was so exciting when the seeds began to sprout up. I knew I did not do it, but God. That was a picture of what God was going to do with the spiritual seeds I had planted.
The year of 2007 continues on. My circumstance did not change, it actually got worse. One thing I will never forget is how close Jesus was. He seemed to be more tangible than ever. I know he was carrying me or I would never have made it! I also want to thank those who prayed for me, called me and encouraged me to endure. You know who you are!
I would have never imagined what God had right around the corner for me. I would have never dreamed this would happen but it did! I will write back soon to let you know the details of a God who wrote me the most redeeming and beauitful love story I would have never written for myself.
The book of Galatians is probably one of my favorite books in the bible because it talks about the freedom we have in Christ. God knows I struggle so much with wanting to earn His love by performing and “doing everything right”. Lately He has been breaking that in me. I feel so out of control. I do not feel like doing anything spiritual. I am losing my desire to go to church, I don’t want to go to prayer, and I am having a hard time really reading the bible. It all feels like I am doing it out of duty. I know I can’t make decisions based on how I feel but that’s where I am at. Oddly enough, I hear God saying its ok. I hear him saying that he is doing a deep work in me. I trust it because His love for me is so much more stubborn than mine. He pursues my heart so well. I love Jesus with all my heart, I really do. A friend of mine said I think he is building authenticity in you. I completely agree. If I am going to do things for the kingdom, I want to do all for God. I don’t want to do for man’s favor, or simply because I think doing it will bring me closer to God.
Do you ever wish someone could simply look at you and just know exactly what you need to hear?
Do you ever wish someone would be able to understand your situation your enduring?
Not just sympathizing, but have the ability to enter whole heartily into the pain, the struggle, and the lies you battle?
Do you ever wish there was that one person you could trust with every ounce of your being and never fear what you just laid bare?
Do you ever wish it was an actual human being that was that trust worthy?
I am learning the hard lesson that Jesus us the only one who looks so deeply into my soul, that He reads all of me with just one glance of my eye. He is the only one who can enter into my pain.
I know this truth so why do I repeatedly think a person will do what only God can? All the more it makes me long to be with my Savior! I cannot wait to see Him face to face!
To experience Him wiping away all my tears of pain, hurt, and suffering.
To sit at His feet and have a conversation without expectation.
More Random thoughts... For the pass couple of weeks I have felt a release of my burdens. I have felt like I am almost on the top of the huge mountain I have been climbing for almost two years. When I look back at what I have climbed, everything in me says, "How in the hell did I endure that?" It is almost like I relive the climb like it happened yesterday. I guess that is why God says do not ponder the past but look to the future. When I look back the questions start again. God what was the purpose? Why me? Will it be different once I am on the other side of this mountain?
Yesterday I ran into someone I have not seen in a long time. Have you noticed that someone can ask a question or say a comment that triggers all these emotions you didn't know you had? She was asking me about life and some questions that were specific. When I told her a brief version of how my life has been the pass 2 years she said. " Wow, it's never been easy for you has it?"
That question has been penetrating me ever since. I found myself almost over this mountain looking back saying, "How in the hell did I endure this and in some aspect still enduring this? It's going to be a fight today with my mind and emotions. I hate these days. The choice to walk by the spirit or my flesh. It feels so good to sulk and cry instead of speaking truth to my soul.
I wonder what God is saying or wanting my heart to hear? I wonder what dreams he has for me that is not even going to compare to these measly two years? I wonder how he would tell the story of my life? I wish I could hear His voice right now. I wish I knew the beginning until the end like Him.
I pray that I would not spend all my thoughts on myself today. I pray I would hear God's version of my story. I bet He tells it much better and with more hope than I do.
So I am reading this book called "Hooked" New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children by Joe S. McIlhaney, J.R MD and Freda Mckissic Bush, MD.
Now I am not usually the one who can understand scientific literature, but this book is wrecking me. It's opening up my wounds from past relationships, it's helping me understand why relationships have not worked out for me and lastly I believe it is a gift from God because He has told me over and over to not ponder the past for behold He is doing something new!
The basic premise of the book describes how sexual experiences whether in the context of a healthy marriage or outside of marriage affect and mold the brain because the brain is the largest and most important sex organ. It describes the neurochemicals that are given off in a female and in a male to bond them together. For a female it's called oxytocin. For a male it is called vasopressin. We both give off Dopamine. I sound smart so far don't I? lol
Anyway, what has been wrecking my brain is this chemical called Oxytocin. Although Oxytocin is presented in both a male and a female, it is mostly represented in a female. What's crazy about oxytocin is that God created oxytocin to not only bond a woman to a man through sexual intercourse but also by just the simple act of touch. Not only that but also for the onset of labor and for breast feeding.
Here is the part that makes me cry every time I think about it. The book stated that because Oxytocin is values-neutral meaning it cannot distinguish between a one night stand and a long term relationship, "it can cause a woman to bond to a man even during what was expected to be a short- term relationship and it can lead a woman to be taken off guard by a desire to stay with a man she would other wise find undesirable and stay with him anyway, even if the relationship is abusive. 20 seconds of hugging a man can release Oxytocin and if he escalates the physical it becomes harder for her to say no!" Why didn't I know any of this before? Ahhhh
Now I am only giving you a glimpse of all that I have read. There's so much more. They explained how when you bond and break up with someone especially when sex was involved the brain scanners show that the part of the brain that is affected is the same part that is affected when you are physically wounded! Whoa
Of course all of this has gotten me thinking about my past and how I desire to have a healthy marriage someday. I want to get to the root of my issues that I walked through in my past so I can be not only a good wife and mother but friend too. There's so much more I want to write about concerning this book so I am sure I will be blogging about this more very soon.
One of things that encouraged me and I believe is very biblical is the fact that the authors stated that our brains are moldable from birth until death. Ahhh Hope! My prayer is that God would transform my mind and help rearrange my old patterns for His new ones.
How many times do I have to come to the end of myself to realize I need Jesus so desperately? This is the question that has been churning in my mind the past couple of days. My church (Cornerstone Christian Fellowship) is going through this amazing transition. The presence of God is so real and tangible. We prayed and fasted one week and we have not stopped praying since. We pray every morning now! It's awesome! We are being changed corporately and it's so beautiful. I think it's because we are coming simply to seek his face.
Last night at prayer, about 30 people laid before the altar and just cried out to God. I seriously felt like I was on holy ground! His presence was rich and deep! We came with nothing in our hands. No agenda, no prayer request. We laid at the altar proclaiming His name.
Even though I could feel Him, my mind was in battle mode. All I wanted in that moment was to be all His. All I wanted was to forget my trial for just an hour so could fully enjoy Him. I heard Him say to me, "Beloved, what's on your heart?" I am learning that He likes to ask questions, even though He knows the answer. I told Him...
Here I am, with all my flaws, all my failures, my tears, my lies, my regrets, my short-comings and my same old issues. I feel like I have been here so many times! Save me! Save me like You did at the cross! That's how desperate I am! More and more I keep coming back to this place realizing I can do nothing on my own. I am confused and hopeless without You! I don't know how to get out of my old ways. I don't know when I hear You! I pray for wisdom. I am so foolish without You! I always let pain drive me to move. I do not like who and where I am. Help me choose You! How do I stand in what looks impossible? Just when I think things are coming to close, the scar gets ripped open...
I know... random thoughts. Some true, some lies. Random thoughts teach you allot about your heart. He didn't say anything to me after that. But this morning I went for a run. As I was running at 5:30 am. I love running early because no one is around. I heard God say, "Beloved I see you." Over and over again that's all I heard. He must of said like 10 times. Tears are streaming down my face because the more He says it, the more my heart begins to soften and I start to believe it. When no one else sees my pain or my struggle, or hears my countless prayers, or my choice to die to self or sees me battle, I think I am all alone. He was reminding me that even when my friends do not understand or they can't be by my side or when my enemies misrepresent me, that I do not need to be seen because He sees everything. I have never been so grateful for Psalm 139 that presents that where ever we go He is there. I need that! I love how intimate He is. I love having a relationship with Him. It's little moments like that that helps me run the race.
I think the most difficult decision I have ever made was to follow You. Don't get me wrong, I could not imagaine where I would be if you were not Lord over my life, but walking with You is no piece of cake. Your standard for me seems to get higher and higher the more I know You and fall in love with You. The theme of my life right now is that I can't live this life with out You. I am so desperate for You. Desperate to want You more than what I think I NEED! I am desperate for your truth to reign when my feelings are false and seem to be taking over my entire being.I am desperate for my circumstances to not shake me because I am so secure in who You are and who You say that I am.
Abba, why is love so difficult? The call to love says, I will lay my life down for you, I will risk giving you my heart again and again and again even though you might hurt me. The call to love says, I will give up the "right" to be understood. The call to love says, I will forgive you again and again and again and will not hold a record of wrongs. The call to love says, I will surrender and believe the best about you or the situation. So hard to do! I am so thankful that I am NOW a slave to righteousness. I can walk in love and live this "impossible" life out but it's a choice. I choose You today. I choose You over my feelings and emotions. I choose You over my circumstances, failures, and short comings. Thank You for loving me where I am. Thank You for loving me despite my struggles. You are my only hope!
Why is it that the closer I become to Jesus, the more I am aware of my sin? The past couple of days the sin of anger feels like it owns me. The same tongue that praises God and tells students of their worth, is spewing out profanity. The sad thing is, I don't regret it in the moment. Sometimes I think, if people really knew my thoughts they would think I am the meanest person in the world! My church (Cornerstone Christian Fellowship) is going through this amazing time with the Lord. Every time we meet together to pray the Spirit comes. It's just fun to be in church because we never know what He is going to do. There is so much Freedom in this place, I love it!!! At the same time there are those moments when I hear people crying out in desperation for His presence and I am thinking how much they are annoying me because I am having a crappy day. I hate how everything offends me. I am so easily offended! When will I not let my feeling dictate what's true? Right now I am in a place that if Jesus doesn't come and rescue me from myself, I am never going to change. I feel so helpless and powerless. Someone said to me today, " I have come to a place where I have to accept myself. With all my junk and all my failures, because He has." Of course I have a song that began to break through my hardened heart. May God's power rest on you who struggle in a different way. There is hope. He is powerful enough to save of from patterns that still try to take us captive. Love you all!!!
People have told me that I have a gift in being vulnerable and real. I am going to take a risk and be vulnerable once again trusting that God has pressed this on my heart to write about. January of last year my ex and I were sensing that are season of being together was coming to a close I came to a prayer night by myself at a church that I did not know God would call my own. Two people came up to me separately and told me the same thing. They told me that 2007 would be about God showing me how much He loves me. He would show me how I would not have to perform for His love. At the time I didn't want to hear that. I wanted a man to show me that. So I hated every word that they said because I knew that meant that I truly could no longer hold on to my current relationship. As I let go the pain at times felt unbearable like God was killing me. The funny thing is, He was! They were both right. God has brought me through tremendous pain but I can't imagine where I would be if I didn't allow myself to sit in the pain. He has shown me how much He loves me but I am still in the process of learning that I do not have to perform for it. Everything that I put my identity in has been taken from me the pass year and God has still showed himself to be faithful through it all! When I look back at all I have endured, I stand amazed knowing it was my Savior who carried me like a Father carries his son. I am so thankful for those who spoke life to me even when I thought it was death. Looking with new eyes, I see 2007 was a year of rebuilding. To rebuild, you often have to tear down. Someone once said they saw my life as a beautiful Mosaic. To me in the natural my life looked like a mess, but day by day, they more I trust God, the more I see the pain, mystery and tears becoming a beautiful picture that I could never design myself. " I feel Him picking up the pieces."
I obviously love how songs can relate to where I am at, soooo here is another song by Sara Groves called Less Like Scars
It's been a hard year But I'm climbing out of the rubble These lessons are hard Healing changes are subtle But every day it's
Less like tearing, more like building Less like captive, more like willing Less like breakdown, more like surrender Less like haunting, more like remember
And I feel you here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars and more like Character
Less like a prison, more like my room It's less like a casket, more like a womb Less like dying, more like transcending Less like fear, less like an ending
And I feel you here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars
Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power or the hope I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping You would come
And I need you And I want you here And I feel you
And I know you're here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars (x3)
Have you ever had those nights when your physically sleeping but your heart is awake? It's 4:30 am and I can't sleep. Sometimes I wish I could escape my mind. I often feel like I hear God better at night when I am half awake. I am in my home town in East Stroudsburg and I can't sleep. Being at home often burdens my heart. I can't always explain why but it does. I lay on the couch wondering why the tears won't stop flowing. I am in a good place but this heart of mine has been through allot. I have so many longings that I pray God fulfills. Why does longing hurt so much? I want to be married so badly. I want to have precious children that I can raise to know Jesus. I am looking forward to every moment of being pregnant. Even the not so fun parts. Just writing it makes me cry. It seems like everyone around me is in the place I desire to be in. I love my family so much, but I am burdened to do things different. Not perfect but different. I want to set a new foundation so that when I am gone it can be carried on. I often think, will I be ok if God doesn't answer those desires. Again, tears coming. I want to say yes! But if I am being honest, my heart breaks over and over and over. How many times do I say He's enough, but still hold on to desires that are not bad but can easily become a demand? Jesus help me! Anyway, I have been thinking about this song by Sara Groves, "Painting Pictures of Egypt". It talks about leaving what has kept you in bondage and running into the new even though it would be so much more comfortable to go back. I struggle with that. I know how to live in Egypt. It;s familiar. God keeps telling me theres nothing for me there and it's time to move on to new things! This song captures exactly where I am at. . I don’t want to leave here I don’t want to stay It feels like pinching to me either way The places I long for the most Are the places where I’ve been They are calling after me like a long lost friend
It’s not about losing faith It’s not about trust It’s all about comfortable When you move so much The place I was wasn’t perfect But I had found a way to live It wasn’t milk or honey But then neither is this
CHORUS: I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt Leaving out what it lacked The future seems so hard And I want to go back But the places that used to fit me Cannot hold the things I"ve learned And those roads closed off to me While my back was turned
The past is so tangible I know it by heart Familiar things are never easy to discard I was dying for some freedom But now I hesitate to go Caught between the promise And the things I know
BRIDGE: If it comes too quick I may not recognize it Is that the reason behind all this time and sand? If it comes too quick I may not appreciate it Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
As you know I am back from my amazing time in Florida! This vacation was more than I could have asked for. Everything was perfect. The car rental, the hotel, the beach, the weather, seeing my friends Monica and Danielle, my time with Sarah, and most of all my time with Jesus!I really believe He set that time apart to meet with me.
The second night we were there we went to the Lakeland Revival. I do not want to does disappoint anyone, but I am on this blog to be honest. I loved the worship! It was anointed and ushered me right into the throneroom. As for Todd Bentley, I did care to much for him. I am not saying he's not legit, but I did have to wrestle a bit with God on the authenticity of that portion of the night. I think it's good to wrestle so I am not following every wind of doctrine.
The beautiful part of my trip was that I felt God presence not in the big events, but in my time alone with Him. He poured out on me and I wept and wept and wept because He is so personal. He knows my heart so well and I am in awe of that. This invisible God knows me more than my friends in the flesh. It's beautiful!
Like I mentioned in my last post, one of my friends gave me a word about going into the ocean. So the third night we were there, Sarah and I went to Cocoa Beach. I waited until it was pitch black to walk into the ocean. I made my declaration that I am leaving my past behind me and I am not looking back. I didn't FEEL a change, but I know in the spiritual realm something happened. It's so crazy how in the picture below there are two of me! It's like that in all of them.
One of the things God told during my time alone with Him was that he had to wound me to heal me of my past. I am just so thankful He empowered me to sit in my pain. I am thankful I did not run to false comforts to temporarily ease the pain. He has made me new. He is restoring the years the locust have tried to eat. I am ready for the newness He has for me! What an amazing Father! Florida was such a gift. Thank you for all of your prayers!
I am so excited to go to fly out to Florida tomorrow!!! My friend and I believe God has an amazing journey for us. My prayer is that I would not come back the same. I am excited to build an altar to the Lord and leave it there. Unlike Lot's wife, I am going to choose not to look back. God has told me over and over again that He is doing something NEW in me. I can't wait to expore the newness. FREEDOM!!!
A very good friend of mine had a picture of me in the ocean but the water was only up to my calf. There was a storm all around me but the voice of God was calling me to come deeper into the water. What I didn't notice was that everytime I went deeper into the water,although I was scared out of my mind, I was being transformed. My goal when I go the the beach in florida is to walk into the ocean until I am fully under. Let me tell you, I have a love hate relationship with the ocean. I love looking at it, and being in awe that God holds the ocean in the palm of His hand!I hate not knowing whats underneath me. I think it will be powerful and prophetic. I can't wait to see how he transforms me physically, mentally, and spritually:)
I am also going to check out the Revival in Lakeland. I do not know what to expect but I am excited to check out for myself!
