Some Random Thoughts

How many times do I have to come to the end of myself to realize I need Jesus so desperately? This is the question that has been churning in my mind the past couple of days. My church (Cornerstone Christian Fellowship) is going through this amazing transition. The presence of God is so real and tangible. We prayed and fasted one week and we have not stopped praying since. We pray every morning now! It's awesome! We are being changed corporately and it's so beautiful. I think it's because we are coming simply to seek his face.

Last night at prayer, about 30 people laid before the altar and just cried out to God. I seriously felt like I was on holy ground! His presence was rich and deep! We came with nothing in our hands. No agenda, no prayer request. We laid at the altar proclaiming His name.

Even though I could feel Him, my mind was in battle mode. All I wanted in that moment was to be all His. All I wanted was to forget my trial for just an hour so could fully enjoy Him. I heard Him say to me, "Beloved, what's on your heart?" I am learning that He likes to ask questions, even though He knows the answer. I told Him...

Here I am, with all my flaws, all my failures, my tears, my lies, my regrets, my short-comings and my same old issues. I feel like I have been here so many times! Save me! Save me like You did at the cross! That's how desperate I am! More and more I keep coming back to this place realizing I can do nothing on my own. I am confused and hopeless without You! I don't know how to get out of my old ways. I don't know when I hear You! I pray for wisdom. I am so foolish without You! I always let pain drive me to move. I do not like who and where I am. Help me choose You! How do I stand in what looks impossible? Just when I think things are coming to close, the scar gets ripped open...

I know... random thoughts. Some true, some lies. Random thoughts teach you allot about your heart. He didn't say anything to me after that. But this morning I went for a run. As I was running at 5:30 am. I love running early because no one is around. I heard God say, "Beloved I see you." Over and over again that's all I heard. He must of said like 10 times. Tears are streaming down my face because the more He says it, the more my heart begins to soften and I start to believe it. When no one else sees my pain or my struggle, or hears my countless prayers, or my choice to die to self or sees me battle, I think I am all alone. He was reminding me that even when my friends do not understand or they can't be by my side or when my enemies misrepresent me, that I do not need to be seen because He sees everything. I have never been so grateful for Psalm 139 that presents that where ever we go He is there. I need that! I love how intimate He is. I love having a relationship with Him. It's little moments like that that helps me run the race.

Thanks for enduring my randomness:)