Redemption is my theme!!!

I can remember the night like it was yesterday. God had given me peace to meet up with Kris after not seeing each other in almost ten years! So many different thoughts and emotions were going through me. I could not believe after all these years God was bring this man back into my life. At this point I have no idea why but God definitely had my attention.

We decided to meet at Buca Di Bepo for dinner. When I first saw him I was thinking in my head, "nope, not attracted to him." I could not believe I was sitting across from this guy who had long ago broken my heart into a million pieces and now is wanting in someway mend it, although Jesus already had.

In his new quiet yet strong demeanor he began to apologize for the way he treated me in high school. He confessed that our past decision to abort our child ran through is mind more and I would think. He regretted just as I had. I sat there amazed at God and how he could change such undeserving people. My life really did feel like a movie. Never in a million years would I have ever thought Kris McFadden would apologize to me let along be a Christian. His Gospel is real and powerful! I sat there witnessing it. At this point I felt numb and unable to take in all that he was saying but I knew it was hard for him to share his heart.

Little did I know this one conversation would lead to many more redeeming moments in both of our lives:-)

Weeping may endure for the night, but Joy comes the morning!

I will never forget the night, September 12th 2008, I was checking my email and flashing before my eyes was a name and a face that I had not seen in almost 10 years. Although I had talked about this person everyday in the classroom, I could not believe he was trying to contact me. Kristopher John McFadden. My mouth dropped to the floor when I saw that he had requested me as a friend on facebook. Should I accept him? Why does he want to be my friend? Why? Those were the some of the many questions going through my mind. If you know me, you know I can be a little dramatic at times.

My curiosity pushed me into accepting him. As I studied his site I found out that he had become a Christian like I had! I almost fell out of my bed!!! How can this be? God, are you serious? The next day I received and email from him stating how he had become a Christian through a program called Teen Challenge. God had put on his heart to contact me. He mentioned how he had been looking for me for about year because there were somethings he needed to say to me. I knew in God's sovereignty that he was right on time in finding me.

Here begins a journey of joy that I would have never expected...

God's Love Story Part 1

I have been wanting to blog for some time now but have now been able to put into words all that God has done for in the last 3 or months. I honestly do not even know where to start. Tears start to well up in my eyes even in this very moment.
The story God has written for my life brings me to my knees. I have had tremendous joy, laughter and pain. I look back at all God has brought me through and I stand amazed because He is so faithful. He’s so loving and patient.

If you know me, I often mention how difficult the season of my life was from 2007 to into 2008. It was hell! During this dark season I learned how to trust God regardless of my feelings. I learned how to be rejected by others but at the same time I stood on the fact that the God of the universe would not. I learned how to speak to truth to my inner man when the storm life did not make sense. I knew God was not going to spare me from my storm. He wanted me to endure with Him. He walked with me in every step of the way. Although he gave me the choice to numb the pain in other ways, by His spirit I choose to endure the pain, believing I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Two main verses come to mind that the Lord had given me. John 12:24, “Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” And Isaiah 43:18-19, “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing.” These verses were life lines to me. They were bread to my soul.

On October 29th, 2007 God told me to do a prophetic act. He told me to go buy a flower pot and buy some wheat grass seeds and I did. At the time I had been reading Genesis. I came to the very familiar story of the sacrifice of Isaac. The verse that God had me meditate on was Gen 22:14 which says, “the Lord will provide.” Before I planted those wheat grass seeds into the soil I named all the things I was dying to , my “lost dreams”, the loss of my innocence, my abortion, my break ups, and my family issues. I found that I could not make these seeds grow. I could only be faithful to water them. It was so exciting when the seeds began to sprout up. I knew I did not do it, but God. That was a picture of what God was going to do with the spiritual seeds I had planted.

The year of 2007 continues on. My circumstance did not change, it actually got worse. One thing I will never forget is how close Jesus was. He seemed to be more tangible than ever. I know he was carrying me or I would never have made it! I also want to thank those who prayed for me, called me and encouraged me to endure. You know who you are!

I would have never imagined what God had right around the corner for me. I would have never dreamed this would happen but it did! I will write back soon to let you know the details of a God who wrote me the most redeeming and beauitful love story I would have never written for myself.

Authenticity

The book of Galatians is probably one of my favorite books in the bible because it talks about the freedom we have in Christ. God knows I struggle so much with wanting to earn His love by performing and “doing everything right”. Lately He has been breaking that in me. I feel so out of control. I do not feel like doing anything spiritual. I am losing my desire to go to church, I don’t want to go to prayer, and I am having a hard time really reading the bible. It all feels like I am doing it out of duty. I know I can’t make decisions based on how I feel but that’s where I am at. Oddly enough, I hear God saying its ok. I hear him saying that he is doing a deep work in me. I trust it because His love for me is so much more stubborn than mine. He pursues my heart so well. I love Jesus with all my heart, I really do. A friend of mine said I think he is building authenticity in you. I completely agree. If I am going to do things for the kingdom, I want to do all for God. I don’t want to do for man’s favor, or simply because I think doing it will bring me closer to God.

Do You Ever Wish...

Do you ever wish someone could simply look at you and just know exactly what you need to hear?

Do you ever wish someone would be able to understand your situation your enduring?

Not just sympathizing, but have the ability to enter whole heartily into the pain, the struggle, and the lies you battle?

Do you ever wish there was that one person you could trust with every ounce of your being and never fear what you just laid bare?

Do you ever wish it was an actual human being that was that trust worthy?

I am learning the hard lesson that Jesus us the only one who looks so deeply into my soul, that He reads all of me with just one glance of my eye. He is the only one who can enter into my pain.

I know this truth so why do I repeatedly think a person will do what only God can? All the more it makes me long to be with my Savior! I cannot wait to see Him face to face!

To experience Him wiping away all my tears of pain, hurt, and suffering.

To sit at His feet and have a conversation without expectation.

To experience pure genuine love:)

The Mountain

More Random thoughts...
For the pass couple of weeks I have felt a release of my burdens. I have felt like I am almost on the top of the huge mountain I have been climbing for almost two years. When I look back at what I have climbed, everything in me says, "How in the hell did I endure that?" It is almost like I relive the climb like it happened yesterday. I guess that is why God says do not ponder the past but look to the future. When I look back the questions start again. God what was the purpose? Why me? Will it be different once I am on the other side of this mountain?

Yesterday I ran into someone I have not seen in a long time. Have you noticed that someone can ask a question or say a comment that triggers all these emotions you didn't know you had? She was asking me about life and some questions that were specific. When I told her a brief version of how my life has been the pass 2 years she said. " Wow, it's never been easy for you has it?"

That question has been penetrating me ever since. I found myself almost over this mountain looking back saying, "How in the hell did I endure this and in some aspect still enduring this? It's going to be a fight today with my mind and emotions. I hate these days. The choice to walk by the spirit or my flesh. It feels so good to sulk and cry instead of speaking truth to my soul.

I wonder what God is saying or wanting my heart to hear? I wonder what dreams he has for me that is not even going to compare to these measly two years? I wonder how he would tell the story of my life? I wish I could hear His voice right now. I wish I knew the beginning until the end like Him.

I pray that I would not spend all my thoughts on myself today. I pray I would hear God's version of my story. I bet He tells it much better and with more hope than I do.

Random thoughts are good...

Be Transformed by the Renewing of your mind

So I am reading this book called "Hooked" New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children by Joe S. McIlhaney, J.R MD and Freda Mckissic Bush, MD.

Now I am not usually the one who can understand scientific literature, but this book is wrecking me. It's opening up my wounds from past relationships, it's helping me understand why relationships have not worked out for me and lastly I believe it is a gift from God because He has told me over and over to not ponder the past for behold He is doing something new!

The basic premise of the book describes how sexual experiences whether in the context of a healthy marriage or outside of marriage affect and mold the brain because the brain is the largest and most important sex organ. It describes the neurochemicals that are given off in a female and in a male to bond them together. For a female it's called oxytocin. For a male it is called vasopressin. We both give off Dopamine. I sound smart so far don't I? lol

Anyway, what has been wrecking my brain is this chemical called Oxytocin. Although Oxytocin is presented in both a male and a female, it is mostly represented in a female. What's crazy about oxytocin is that God created oxytocin to not only bond a woman to a man through sexual intercourse but also by just the simple act of touch. Not only that but also for the onset of labor and for breast feeding.

Here is the part that makes me cry every time I think about it. The book stated that because Oxytocin is values-neutral meaning it cannot distinguish between a one night stand and a long term relationship, "it can cause a woman to bond to a man even during what was expected to be a short- term relationship and it can lead a woman to be taken off guard by a desire to stay with a man she would other wise find undesirable and stay with him anyway, even if the relationship is abusive. 20 seconds of hugging a man can release Oxytocin and if he escalates the physical it becomes harder for her to say no!" Why didn't I know any of this before? Ahhhh

Now I am only giving you a glimpse of all that I have read. There's so much more. They explained how when you bond and break up with someone especially when sex was involved the brain scanners show that the part of the brain that is affected is the same part that is affected when you are physically wounded! Whoa

Of course all of this has gotten me thinking about my past and how I desire to have a healthy marriage someday. I want to get to the root of my issues that I walked through in my past so I can be not only a good wife and mother but friend too. There's so much more I want to write about concerning this book so I am sure I will be blogging about this more very soon.

One of things that encouraged me and I believe is very biblical is the fact that the authors stated that our brains are moldable from birth until death. Ahhh Hope!
My prayer is that God would transform my mind and help rearrange my old patterns for His new ones.