Have you ever had those nights when your physically sleeping but your heart is awake? It's 4:30 am and I can't sleep. Sometimes I wish I could escape my mind. I often feel like I hear God better at night when I am half awake. I am in my home town in East Stroudsburg and I can't sleep. Being at home often burdens my heart. I can't always explain why but it does. I lay on the couch wondering why the tears won't stop flowing. I am in a good place but this heart of mine has been through allot. I have so many longings that I pray God fulfills. Why does longing hurt so much? I want to be married so badly. I want to have precious children that I can raise to know Jesus. I am looking forward to every moment of being pregnant. Even the not so fun parts. Just writing it makes me cry. It seems like everyone around me is in the place I desire to be in. I love my family so much, but I am burdened to do things different. Not perfect but different. I want to set a new foundation so that when I am gone it can be carried on. I often think, will I be ok if God doesn't answer those desires. Again, tears coming. I want to say yes! But if I am being honest, my heart breaks over and over and over. How many times do I say He's enough, but still hold on to desires that are not bad but can easily become a demand? Jesus help me! Anyway, I have been thinking about this song by Sara Groves, "Painting Pictures of Egypt". It talks about leaving what has kept you in bondage and running into the new even though it would be so much more comfortable to go back. I struggle with that. I know how to live in Egypt. It;s familiar. God keeps telling me theres nothing for me there and it's time to move on to new things! This song captures exactly where I am at. .
I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend
It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this
CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned
The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know
BRIDGE:
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
Toni
4 comments:
Toni, I have to say I love your realness, it is refreshing.......people need to hear that it's okay to be a mess emotionally and to struggle, it's okay.....!!!!
God just loves you so much! I appreciated this song, I can so relate and I love this little line, "but the places that used to fit me, cannot hold the things I've learned." Wow, what a true eye opening statement. I think you should meditate on that, it shows indeed that God is making you new and doing new things in you and that your breakthrough IS on the way!!! He longs to give you good and perfect gifts from above!
Thank you so much for your encouragement Lydia! It helps me to press on:)
love this song, toni....love your process....it is beautiful....i love your realness too- like lydia said. i also love the line she wrote above as well....thanks for sharing and opening up your heart...you are in my prayers...and we need to get together!
I think one of the most shocking things I've found out about God more recently is that he wants us to be happy. Somehow I got the idea from various churches etc that he somehow delights in my suffering, not the case! He is a good father, a good husband, he delights to please us! Does that mean we always get exactly what we think we want? Nope, but we can trust that he wants to overflow us with joy, the real stuff, not an overspiritualized counterfeit. If your heart is breaking, he's there to bind it up and comfort you and lead you out of valleys of shadows of death into pleasant pastures by still waters. Trials are temperary, but the good life is eternal.
Thanks for your honesty, it's very refreshing and though I can't relate to the strong desire to be married since I married so young, I can relate to a strong desire to be unmarried hehe, and God has gotten me through that to the other side of happy married. He'll probably have to do that a few more times over the coming years!
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